The Space Angel Angle
by Fayth3
Summary: Penny and Sheldon find themselves catapulted into the future. The far future. Will a certain crew manage to get them home?
1. Chapter 1

The silence in the air tastes like anger and recriminations and its all Sheldon can do not to poke his tongue out at the figure storming ahead of him. Not that she'd notice, or care. But it would make himself feel better for a nano-second; until the reality of their current situation crashed down on him again, something he's deliberately not thinking of, preferring to concentrate on sand in his shoes and the sun on his neck.

As it is, he sends her retreating back a death glare and hurries to catch up, nimbly stepping between crates and boxes, dodging people left and right, trying to keep the soft blue jacket in view. His height is a bonus here, as is his slim width as he weaves in and out of short angry people determined to separate him from his friend.

Despite his long strides he can't quite catch up with her furious pace and he reaches out one long arm to snag her shirt.

"Penny!"

She whirls around, thunder on her face and fire in her eyes. "What?"

She's mad as hell but at least she's stopped and he can finally catch a breath and ask her what he's been wanting to ask her since he woke with a mouthful of sand and a headache the size of Texas.

"Where are we going?"

Her eyes widen and her voice whips out, heads turn but a forceful stare sends them scurrying. "Where are we going? Where? WHERE? I don't know, Sheldon!" She opens her arms as if to encompass the whole world. "I mean I've totally been here before, I know exactly where I'm going."

He stiffens. "Sarcasm isn't helpful right now."

"No?" scorn fills her voice. "You know what else isn't helpful right now, Sheldon? You! You're supposed to be this complete genius guy and so far I'm not seeing it."

Sheldon lets go of her sleeve but edges a little closer fearing that, in her anger (unjustified, unwarranted, but possibly deserved), she might just turn and hare off back into the crowd and he'd never find her again. The thought fills him with more terror than usual and he swallows the instinctive response to her biting wit and takes another breath. And another.

She has a point and it sits wrong in his chest. He is the smart one (IQ immeasurable by current standards and yet can't see what's in front of him until...) He's the one with the plans and the know how and he should be the one that makes her feel better. He has become accustomed to being Penny's knight in shining armor and coming to her rescue. Yet right now he can't help her, is too close to falling to pieces. It's like the driving thing all over again.

Even in her fury Penny can see that Sheldon is fighting with himself, fighting against the innate tendency to open his mouth and insert both feet and she wants to cut him some slack. This is not his fault but she can't help but be majorly freaked out herself and in no mood to placate her resident crazy.

"Can't you think of something?" she pleads, "Anything?"

Her low voice is almost lost in the deafening roar of people and its defeated tone just makes him huddle his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Penny."

And suddenly her anger is gone, like a wisp of smoke leaving behind it only the vague sense of unease and trepidation. She reaches out her hand and touches his long fingers, a ghostly caress more for comforts sake than any real need to touch him (although that is there too).

"Me too, sweetie." She rubs her arms despite not feeling cold and glances around at the myriads of loud, smelly obnoxious denizens of this slice of the market; each toting their wares with harsh syllables and lyrical tongues.

So many people crammed into a space that defies reasoning and logic, one of the reasons Sheldon is two breaths away from a meltdown of Hiroshima proportions.

His fingers subconsciously try to catch hers as they drift back to her side, his palm curling in on itself at his failure as she tucks her hand in her pocket.

"I have no idea where I'm going, Sheldon," she confesses, "to be honest I was looking for somewhere that looked like a bar."

He bit back the barb that it was alcohol that got them into this mess in the first place. Her expression almost dared him to mock her for her need of intoxicating liquor but, for once, Sheldon would make sure his Cuba Libre was slutty enough to make her blush.

"A valid idea, Penny, but for one thing. We have no form of currency with which to trade. Unless you wish to sell--"

Her eyes narrow. "Sheldon!"

"Your watch, I was going to say," he ignores the threat in her voice, the distaste at the idea. He would find some way so that that was not an option (never an option).

She shivers and looks at the cute watch Leonard had bought for her last Valentines day, before they broke up and things got weird. "Yeah, I guess we could sell it."

"But then spending money on frivolities like alcohol would be farcical when you consider that we may be here for some time and will probably need to find some form of habitation."

Even though right now Penny needs brandy more than bed she can see the logic in what Sheldon had to say. He's the one with the brains after all. He's the one who was supposed to know what to do in situations like this and she should listen to him-- despite being pissed at being there in the first place.

"Okay, plan of action," she takes a breath, her chest inflating slowly reminding her to calm down. "We find a fence and hock the bling, then we check for local cribs and find a place to crash."

Sheldon blinks at her.

His innocence causes the first smile of the day. "Sell the watch and find a room."

"Oh." He nods. "A good plan, Penny. It is most efficacious to have a goal, whether short term or long term."

"Short term, sleep. Long term, try and find a way back home, okay?" She straightens her shoulders, pleased that they now have a plan. "So we need to find a shady character."

They glance around, from the huddled guy selling rat meat to the grubby kids racing down the alleys, from the screaming baby in lurid green to the woman of negotiable affection, all they can see are shady characters.

"Excuse me," Sheldon edges over to the man selling rat. "We are looking for what is commonly referred to as a 'fence', or perhaps a pawn shop?"

The rat man licks his cracked lower lip. "Duibuqi?"

Sheldon frowns. "I'm unacquainted with this dialect."

"Quelle surprise!" Penny quips and immediately regrets it as he turns hurt eyes to her.

"I am trying, Penny."

She bites her lip and looks at rat man who is staring appreciatively with more than a passing interest at her chest. She crosses her arms and glares at him.

Sheldon mimes giving and taking something from Penny. "A dealer, trader?"

"Ah!" the rat man's face clears-- of confusion, not lesions. "Bad-ja."

"Bad-ja, what's that mean?" Penny looks up at Sheldon who simply shrugs.

"Bad-ja," the man cuffs a pile of grubby clothes which unfold into a small boy shooting such hate filled looks at being disturbed that he could only be rat-man's son.

Rat man boots him. "Heiboi. Geddup ntekemta Bad-ja."

Penny leans forward, positive that she's just understood that. "Sheldon, was that English?"

"No variation I've ever heard of." Sheldon sniffs as the boy motions for them to come after him and they reluctantly follow the scurrying bag of rags. "Your brain just probably translated the words to make the most sense to you."

"Maybe," Penny sighs heavily, "because things have made so much sense today."

The bard shorts his own temper. "For the last time, Penny, I did inform you that I was currently working on something sensitive."

"Sensitive is nuclear power or a new stealth bomber," Penny bites out as she ducks a flying metal object, staring it down as it zooms overhead, sensors flashing wildly at her.

Something about it strikes her as incongruous but her mind is on her argument with Sheldon-- as always. "Sensitive is not modifying someone else's time machine!"

They enter what seems to be washer-woman's alley with thick swaths of fabric hanging between buildings; not any noticeably cleaner than those their street urchin was wearing. Sheldon shoves them aside in disgust and vows to take a bath in bleach when he gets home.

"I had the components working Penny, I did not expect you to drop an entire bottle of whiskey over the controls."

She stops dead, hands on her hips as she faces off with the taller man. "Oh, so now this is my fault?"

Sheldon sighs wearily. "All I'm saying is that creeping around someone's apartment uninvited is asking for trouble."

"Maybe you should heed your own advice Mr Your-room-is-full-of-entropy-and-i-can't-sleep-unless-i-break-in-and-tidy. Double standards, Sheldon!"

"Yes, but my foray into your room resulted in freshness and an aesthetically pleasing organizational structure whereas yours apparently has us catapulted through the known universes to this-" he waves his arms wildly "-den of iniquity and filth."

"Bite me."

"Unsanitary."

"Yeah, well," Penny fumes, "I hope you get the plague."

He opens his mouth to reply when a small hand tugs insistently at his flash t-shirt. He squeals and shakes it off like a girl with a spider. Penny grins..

"Bad-ja," the boy from earlier rolls his eyes. "Heem tiswai."

This time it's Sheldon who pauses, he almost recognized that. "Perhaps some primitive form of English."

They edge through the final curtain of clothes and stop in their tracks.

In front of them are ships.

Spaceships.

Ships to go into outer space.

Honest to god spaceships looking every bit as bruised and battered as vintage cars. Silver and gold and gleaming and scarred and stained and twisted and undeniably used.

Space ships.

"Primitive?" Penny gasps. "We're not in the past, Sheldon. I think we're in the future." Suddenly the flying metal disc makes sense. She'd seen it but it didn't register. Now she wishes she'd paid more attention. Flying discs, ships. They were not back in cavemen days.

Sheldon, shell shocked and stunned, says nothing.

The boy scampers up a nearby pole and leans over the metal. He points to a small building close by.

"Bad-ja."

"Yeah," Penny glances up, does a double take. "Hey, Sheldon?"

He still doesn't move, transfixed by the thrumming engines and masses of people moving in and out of Space-ships. Space. Ships. Ships that shouldn't exist in his world of laundry and Thai Pad and yet are right there, like a TV show come to life to mock his carefully ordered reality. If a hoard of ravening barbarians were to race past now, Sheldon wouldn't be surprised. (horrified and mentally scarred for life, but not surprised).

"Sheldon, I think I know where we are."

"How could you possibly know that, Penny?" He swings around irritated.

She points upwards. "Because I can read."

They glare at the sign.

"_Welcome to Persephone Space Port: Eavesdown Docks. Enjoy your stay."_

Penny bites her lip. "Don't count on it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Sheldon blamed Penny solely for their current predicament and yet had the good sense not to tell her that. Her intelligence may be mediocre but he had a healthy respect for her left hook.

If Penny hadn't have moved in and snagged Leonard's interest causing her to become part of their circle.

If she hadn't entered into a relationship with Leonard which caused her to spend more time with Sheldon as Leonard failed to be a good boyfriend.

If she hadn't insisted that Sheldon was her best friend and broke his personal boundaries.

If she hadn't broken up with Leonard and still insisted on smelling sweet and looking happy.

If she hadn't played Halo and paintball and watched Star Trek and Battlestar with him.

If she hadn't gone to DragonCon and ComicCon and movie marathon nights.

If she hadn't worn that costume and sat in that seat, her own seat next to his.

If she hadn't caused him to lose concentration and lose sleep.

If she hadn't shown up when she saw his light on, asking him why he wasn't sleeping.

If she hadn't leaned over his shoulder, causing soft hair to tickle his neck, causing him to jump, causing her to spill whiskey all over his modified time machine.

All her fault.

Yet he stuck to her as they entered the dimly lit corridor, past the burly guards with guns that looked like something from one of his video games and into a small ante room. Penny was familiar and that was it. (he's a good liar when he doesn't have to say it out loud)

The room was dirty with grime encrusted in the corners and dust floating through the shaft of light piercing through a window. The faint scent of desperation and sweat colored the air and the buzzing of flies was only slightly louder than the electrical hum of the broken overhead light.

Sheldon eyed the florescent bar with caution hoping it wouldn't just explode into a shower of sparks and set fire to his flash t-shirt. This far forward in time vintage t-shirts would probably be worth a small planet.

The rest of the room was full of thugs and men who abstained from the human race on account of disability- too stupid to qualify. To one side there was a curtain of grubby fabric cordoning off a separate area where they could hear soft sobs and muffled grunts.

Small curtains tried to brighten up the dingy walls but the only focus in the room was the green metal desk in front of full shelves with a man in a bowler hat staring curiously at them.

Sheldon realized that he had been silent for too long and started forward, hand outstretched.

As he moved so did the guards, each one cocking his gun and aiming it at the now frozen Sheldon.

"My intentions were not hostile," Sheldon informed them, his voice shaky. "It is the established custom to shake hands upon meeting someone."

"Not on Persephone," the man said with a smirk. "But it ain't often we have the pleasure of such polite gentleman as yerself. So," he stood and reached over the table, grasping Sheldon's hand tightly. Even standing the man was no taller than Penny and a definite head shorter than Sheldon.

"I'm Badger, Prince of Persephone." He grinned, showing yellowing teeth and a snake smile. "Now who might you be?"

The man, Badger's, accent was thick and sounded vaguely English, but more like Spike than Giles. The thought made Sheldon wince. Oh Newton, he wished he was home right now, tucked into his spot and watching a Buffy marathon. Sheldon tried to focus.

"I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper and this is Penny."

Badger let his gaze rake over Penny in a way that would have made Wolowitz uneasy.

"Charmed, I'm sure." He turned back to Sheldon. "A doctor, ey?" He rubbed his chin, a thoughtful look in his eyes. "A doctor. Ain't had one a them for a dogs age. So, what brings you to Persephone, Doc?" He leaned back in his chair. "You seem like fancy Core folk, don't 'ave no reason to be out on the Rim."

Sheldon knew that he was incapable of lying. He also knew that he was incapable of thinking up lies on the spot and yet, somehow, these facts had managed to slip his genius mind right up to the point where he had to come up with a convincing falsehood in seconds.

He panicked. "Uh, we, uh."

Penny stepped forward as Sheldon seemed to flounder. "Uh, we kinda ran into some bad luck."

Badger laughed loud and coarsely. "Let me guess," his eyes drifted over her again. "You're some rich kid from the Core, Osiris maybe, you start dating someone the parents wouldn't approve of," his gaze flickered to Sheldon and back as he continued, "Wiv all hearts and flowers and less sense than a gorram Reaver you decide to run away together, land up at some dodgy space port where you're conned into losing everything you own. Is that about the size of it, love?"

Penny seizes the scenario and runs with it. "Got it in one. All I have on me is my watch. It's old, like really old and gotta be worth at least a meal and room for the night."

She unclasped the watch and handed it over to Badger who examined it with keen interest. He turned it in his hands, read the back and laughed.

"Sweetheart, I wouldn't touch this for all the tea on Sihnon."

Penny frowned. "It's not a fake!"

"I know that, but old Earth-that-Was? Sweetheart, you could buy Persephone and three of it's moons with this. It's too rich for my blood and I couldn't fence it if I tried. The Alliance would be all over my arse before I could say spit. You might have better luck on one of the Core planets where they have museums that would take it."

Penny sagged as he handed it back. She knew that it had been about a twenty dollar watch and now it was museum quality? It would have been funny but she had more pressing problems. "But we need the money."

Badger shrugged. "Not my problem. Although," he reached over and touched her jacket. "Is that real denim?"

Penny stared down at the outfit she had meticulously planned for her evening out. A soft blue shirt under a denim jacket, short skirt and ankle boots. She'd looked cute and she'd been hoping to find some nice guy who thought so too. Turns out there were no nice guys in clubs and she'd stumbled home to see the light on under Sheldon's door.

Look how that turned out.

"Yeah, it's real denim."

Badger licked his lip. "Never let it be said that I ain't a gentleman. I'll give ya twenty platinum for the jacket. That's more than enough for a decent meal over at the local. And I'll even do ya a favor. There's an... associate of mine due to dock today, he's a trustworthy sort as much as us thieves can be. You'll need to go the Core to fence that and it just so happens that's where he's going. If you're nice to him, he might give you a lift. Give me the jacket and I'll mention your name to him."

"Why would you do that for us?"

He gave a slanted grin. "You scratch my back, I scratch yours. We got a deal?"

Penny looked over at Sheldon who was frowning at the weasel-faced man. She didn't trust this guy as far as she could throw him but they had little choice.

Penny slid the denim jacket off and handed it over, hands quickly filching in pockets for anything she'd left.

Two bills, keys, her phone and lipstick. She tucked them into her ankle boot not noticing the great show she gave the guards as she bent forwards.

Sheldon caught their eye line as they leered down her shirt and he quickly stepped in front.

They glared at him and he tried not to quake.

Offending men with guns was no logical and yet he couldn't let them ogle Penny.

Penny straightened and gave Sheldon a funny look before turning back to Badger. "Okay, so what time is this guy supposed to get here?"

"Two hours, so I suppose ya got yerself a while to kill, Princess." He handed her some coins in a leather bag and leaned against the table. "Now you can either wait around here with me and my boys," the guards grinned menacingly. "Or you can take the Doc and head to the boozer for some food."

Sheldon looked from the guns to the guards and back again. "Where is this inn?"

Badger threw his head back and laughed. "Gorram rich kids!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Captain Mal Reynolds was having a bad day. No. A Bad Day. It deserved the proper emphasis even in his own head.

He'd done some crime for some not-so decent and not-so hard working folk, and expected to get paid and get gone. But ever since Miranda (brain skitters sideways away from bloodanddeathand) clientele had been a sight more fussy.

Not only did they want their goods delivered but also a discount on account of not telling the Alliance where they were headed.

Jayne, with his usual personable skills and the menace of someone who didn't particularly want to go through this go se again, managed to set matters straight, but it was every gorram time!

He was sick of indecent folk trying to screw him over.

Mal huffed as he peered out of the cockpit, glaring at the planet as it loomed on the horizon.

"Twenty-five point three eight minutes until we land, Captain," his little pilot said with her usual degree of unnerving accuracy.

Mal nodded his head with a small grin playing at the corners of his mouth. "Point three eight, huh? You sure about that, Albatross?"

River stiffened in indignation until she noted the teasing in his voice. "Calculations are correct in all aspects." She paused, "unless the buffer panel falls off the ship again."

It was Mal's turn to freeze. "Why? Is that likely to happen?"

River just gave him a wicked grin and he scowled.

"It ain't nice ta tease your Captain, little girl. That leads to getting spanked."

"Who's getting spanked?" Jayne shouldered his way into the tiny cockpit sporting his usual collection of arsenal.

"No one, 'less a course you--" Mal turned and saw him. "Jayne what have we said about grenades?"

Jayne fingered his grenades lovingly and raised an arrogant eyebrow. "How 'bout, 'Gee it'd sure be useful for us to have us some grenades about now'."

River giggled behind her hand and the Captain glared at her, despite loving the tinkling sound so very seldom heard on his ship of late. "Please don't encourage our merc."

"Last time ya said don't take 'em, we winded up Reaver bait. Don't know 'bout you, but I ain't taking no chances."

"Double negative supposes a positive," River piped up, eyes dancing. "Although statement stands on its own since the predisposition of Jayne is to adhere to a course of peril."

"S'right," Jayne leered. "I adhere all right."

Mal boggled. "You understood that?"

"Some, Crazy's easy enough to understand." Jayne gave her a quick glance, his eyes shooting away just as quickly. "'Cepting the parts about doubly supping a positive. That don't sound quite natural."

The idea bounced around for a second.

Mal choked. "Okay, enough of this go se, we're breaking atmo in-"

"Twenty one minutes and," River peered at him from under her curtain of hair, "a couple-a seconds."

It made Mal grin. "Approximately. Grab Simon and Kaylee from whatever bunk they're currently defiling and get Zoe to meet us out front."

"Still reckon it's a dumb idea ta go see Badger, that hundan ain't been nothing but trouble fer us."

Mal pointed to the shining five sided star pinned to his chest that was a gift from his pilot.

"Yea, well, this shiny badge says I'm Captain and til you get a shiny badge of your own, I say what goes."

There was a beat and then Jayne shrugged, muttering something about shoving badges that Mal did his best not to hear. The mercenary turned on his heel and filled the doorway as he left the cockpit.

Mal suddenly had a thought and leaned over his chair. "And NO GRENADES!"

He heard Zoe slide of her bunk (hers alone, full of dust and tears and empty) and speak quietly to Jayne.

River suddenly gasped and Mal looked over at her, alarm and tension written all over his face.

"What, Riv?" he gripped his chair tightly with one hand, the other already on his gun.

River reached up and rubbed her head. "Just a flash, Captain."

"A flash of what? Inspiration, indigestion, premonition?"

"None and yet all. Electromagnetic monopoles and coffee, green spilled on a fixed point. Nothing and everything; a fragmentation of space, swirling vortex and honey coating the universe." Her eyes glazed. "A paradox of energy, minds contaminated and conjecture building, two forces not aligned with the universe, yet pulled. Insurgence and blossoms." Her gaze cleared and she turned to Mal. "Things are about to change."

Mal swallowed. River at her creepiest freaked him out.

"Jayne!" he yelled. "Bring grenades!"

* * *

Jayne had always loved the bustling metropolis of Persephone; even if he still doesn't know what metropolis means (a word Crazy one said to him that got stuck, words have a habit of doing that around her. Like crazy was some kind of catching thing. Easy to catch, fun to catch. He pushed that thought away.). It kinda reminded him of the market place back home where you can skin a cow, eat a snowglobe and dance with a pretty girl behind some stall all for next to nothin'.

He always managed to get the scary merc discount and that's why Kaylee and 'Nara and even Zoe like to take him with them when they go shopping; that and the fact that he can hold more bags than them.

But Jayne don't mind. He likes havin' the pretty girl on his arm even if he knows there won't be no sexin' at the end. Just the look on some guys faces when they see Kaylee and 'Nara holding onto his arm as they walk through the market, it makes him feel ten feet tall.

This time, however, it's the scowl that makes folk take a second look afore scurrying away.

Jayne don't want to be going to see Badger.

Thinks the Liou coe shway dh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh ur-tze will just turn on 'em and piss on 'em again.

The thought made him clutch his weapons tighter and he shot another look at the Crazy girl walking just ahead of him, doing her own version of checking the place out; eyes down and ears cocked.

River Tam (Albatross, little witch, meimei, sweetheart, Kali, Reaver Slayer, soft little kitt-- _Crazy_.) the plague of their lives and yet their gorram savior. Damn feng le girl still makes him uneasy but he stepped closer anyway.

"Hey, Crazy?"

River turned those big doe eyes to him and smiled softly "Yes, Jayne-man."

His stomach flipped. "Had any more a them premmy-nitions? How you knows what's gonna shoot us?"

River frowned slightly. "I foresee no bullets in your immediate future, Jayne-man."

He relaxed some before another thought occurs to him. "How about swords?"

"No."

"Axes?"

"No."

"Flamethrowers?"

"No."

"Grenades?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"No." She gave him her patented 'boob' look before softening and patting his arm. "Jane-man's thick skin is safe."

"Thanks," he ignored the ghostly sense of her hand lingering on his skin as she moved away. "Hey, whaddya mean thick?"

River moved up to her Captain and waited for him to acknowledge her.

He was standing close to Zoe fully engaged in a low conversation. He stood closer to her now than before Miranda, before Zoe left her heart dangling at the end of a Reaver spear and her hope in shards on a blood soaked floor.

They all could see the empty look in her eyes, only soothed when her hand touched her swollen abdomen; a surprise gift from a dead man.

Mal was speaking in low tones to his second and River only managed to catch the odd word and codewords that would only make sense if she were trying to _hear_. But that's rude and so she didn't even try, simply luxuriating in the ignorance that was never hers.

It wasn't long before Mal noticed her; his River-radar in full bloom. His eyes lighting up as he saw her. The warmth soothed River in ways that she could never quantify, her own father had never been that pleased to see her. River slid closer.

"All right, little one?"

"Shiny, Captain," River smiled at Zoe shyly, still not sure of her welcome with the broken warrior woman despite their hours of playing with dinosaurs in the cockpit.

Zoe gave her a solemn nod. "Captain thinks I should stay outside, what's your take?"

River blinked once, brain computing before her mouth opened. "91% chance there will be a peaceful end to this transaction. 9% dependent on the Captain's reaction to weasel-man's order."

"I don't take orders!" Mal complained.

"Which is why you get shot." River reasoned.

"'Cepting when I do." Mal sucked in a breath.

"Should Zoe attend, the likelihood of non confrontational outcome raises to 95%, pregnant women diffuse combat situations."

"4% ain't that good," Mal pointed out to Zoe.

"t'aint nothin' either," she retorted and he grimaced. She had a point there. He didn't like to be reminded of the fact.

"Didn't you used to have respect for me?"

"Yes," she waited a beat, "sir."

River's lips twitched at the resurgence of Zoe's humor. It had been a long time coming.

"Fine," Mal finally relented. He'd do anything to keep that smile in Zoe's eyes; even dress in a tutu and a shiny hat and declare himself King of Old Londinium (only because he's fairly certain Zoe would never ask him to do that. Maybe.)

He saw River's lips curve again and knew that she'd somehow seen that image from his head. It didn't bother him like it used to. He knew that his little witch just couldn't help seeing what was inside folks heads and that she tired hard not to intrude. There was a time when it would have not only unnerved and freaked the go se out of him but he'd have been furious at her intrusion. Now it was just a quirk and oddly comforting when someone else could share his humor without having to say a word. He grinned at her.

Their mutual amusement faded as they stood at the grimy entrance to Badger's hole.

The four of them huddled together and braced themselves.

"4%?" Mal muttered.

"Don't call him a ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng when he tells you to do something," Zoe patted her belly, "it will be okay."

Jayne shouldered his gun. "It's a good day to die."

Mal stared at him in panic as he forged ahead. "No it ain't, it ain't ever a good day ta die. Who says it's a good day? River?"

She rolled her eyes and followed the mercenary into the darkness.

* * *

_Go se- crap_

_Hundan- Bastard_

_meimei- Little sister_

_feng le- crazy_

_Liou coe shway dh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh ur-tze- Stupid son of a drooling whore and a monkey._

_ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng- frog humping son of a bitch_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Zoe's presence and obvious pregnancy caused Badger to shift uncomfortably in his chair, his eyes fixed on her belly. He was seemingly transfixed by the strong warrior woman with the hard eyes staring him down with the barrel of a gun resting on the edge of a fetus. It's only when Jayne cleared his throat that he managed to tear his eyes away and fixed them on Mal.

"Reynolds," he nodded, a greeting just short of dismissive that sent Mal's blood boiling.

Don't hit him, Mal thought, don't hit him. He ain't worth getting shot over.

"Badger," Mal tucked his hands into his pockets, close enough to his guns to go for them yet not so close as to be a threat. Ain't no point starting a fight when River's all but said they can get outta there without him being shot.

Mal is a big fan of not being shot.

"I'd say it's nice to see ya, but well... it ain't."

Don't mean he has to be all charitable like.

"And they say charm is dead," Badger spotted River and a genuine, if creepy, smile crept over his face. "'ello there, pet. Long time no see."

Amused and a little flattered at the attention River rolled her eyes playfully. "Ain't been long enough, if y'ask me."

Mal did a double take as his little Albatross copied Badger's accent perfectly; her usually smooth tones sliding away to a low drawl.

Badger grinned wider. "Now don't be like that, anyone outta Dyton knows a little sass is enough."

"Then ya been away too long," River leaned back against a wall with perfect nonchalance. "Ain'tcha got sommat else ta do, other'n try to pick me up?"

"Matter of a fact I do," Badger sat up, fully engaged in their game. "But who says I can't do both?"

"Me."

They all turned to stare at Jayne who was frowning, not quite able to believe he'd opened his own mouth. He tugged on his gun strap and cleared his throat menacingly. "Leastways not now. Business time ain't fer flirtin'. Lets get to it."

Jane ain't ever been noted for his patience and they all figure that small talk is out of his sphere.

Like ballet and hygiene.

They'd be right, but there's something about Badger that makes Jayne's fingers itch to grab Vera and do some metal flirtin' of his own. He'd love to see Badger dance the shrapnel tango.

"Keep yer pants on, mate," Badger reached around his chair to pluck something off one of the shelves behind.

Mal leaned in to River. "That was all manner of disturbing. Did I know you could do that?"

River shook her head. "You were poking swords in people's chests."

"Ah!" he settled back. "So, Badger, what inspired the wave?"

"Got a job for ya. Word is that folks still trying to stiff you all abouts."

The trouble he'd been having with his traders makes Mal's mood swing lower.

"Some ain't as honorable as yourself," Mal gritted his teeth at the implied compliment. "There's some that don't know of the rescinded warrants and pardons some of us got ourselves. Think they can make a pretty profit through extortion."

"Thieves today," Badger shook his head in feigned dismay. "Still, one man's loss is another man's pocket change. Got a medical pickup on Osiris."

"No."

"Good haul, already got a buyer off Eris needs it for pioneers who want to recolonize Pluto's moon. Prepared to pay handsome too."

"I did just say no."

"Needs a sign off from two doctors, heavy goods."

"I'm sorry, something wrong with my mouth, or your ears. Did you not hear me say no? Warrants may be rescinded but I ain't a fool to go where Alliance may hold a grudge."

And on the Core they held a grudge. Not everyone wanted to know that their government was torturing kids and making monsters; it wasn't... pleasant.

"We did kill a lot of them." Zoe pointed out, eyes firm on Badger who swallowed.

"That we did."

"Be that as it may," Badger continued, "I'm still your best bet here. Once its known that you're working for me again, your little discount problem should cease. I don't take kindly to them who tries to undercut me."

That was true. Badger may be a sad little King of a sad little hill, but he knew his business and anyone who realized that Badger was still paying full price for their services would know that there was no profit in trying to turn them in.

Mal took a breath and let his gaze linger on River who nodded her head imperceptibly.

"All right," Mal sniffed. "Says I do decided to pick up this cargo from Osiris. You said the pick up needs two doctors signatures. Well I ain't got but one and we ain't got the cashy to drop on a buncha fake I.D's."

"Which brings me to a lucky coincidence."

Mal did not like the look on Badger's face. He didn't like Badger's face in general but that little smug grin made his fingers itch. He leaned back over to River. "Is this the part where I don't insult his mother?"

River inclined her head slightly and whispered. "91%."

"Gorramit," Mal gripped his gun tighter. "Coincidence?"

Badger rested his head on his fingers and gave them a slow smile. "It just so happens that I've got a couple of rich kids who need a ride to Osiris. On of 'em is a doctor. He signs off on the merchandise, I pay their fare. Simple as."

"And does this doctor agree?"

"He will." Badger smirked and pointed at Mal. "You'll get him to agree and bring back my goods. You'll get your money and my personal guarantee that folks'll stop trying to take advantage of your less than lawful state."

"Anyone else remember how we all done uncovered a huge conspiracy?" Jayne wondered out loud. He never thought that they'd be damn heroes for being this stuff to ligt. But folks not trying to stiff 'em or kill 'em woulda been nice.

He's ignored.

"I do the job, I get paid," Mal stared hard at Badger, willing him to flinch just a little so's Mal can throw the job back in his face. They may be a little hard up right now, but when weren't they? And it'd be worth eating protein for another three months to see the look on Badger's face when Mal tells him to shove it up his pigu.

But Badger didn't flinch and it made Mal wonder on exactly how bad he needed this cargo. It wouldn't be easy to find any ship with a doctor, let alone two. Badger really needed them on this and wouldn't stiff them.

Those were the kind of odds Mal liked.

He decided and nodded his head. "All right, we'll take this doctor of yours on board, get to Osiris and sign off the meds you needs. We dump him there and bring the goods back where we will get our cut. Am I missing anything?"

Badger grinned. "You'll need to go pick 'em up first. They're having a meal over at the Tudeck."

"A meal?" Jayne scoffed, "ain't no one dumb enough ta eat at a space port."

"Then maybe you need to get the good doc before he succumbs to lunch."


	5. Chapter 5

Sheldon clenched his fists and rubbed his knuckles as his face twitched.

"Penny"? He whispered.

Penny could only just hear him over the general cacophony of sound that filled the inn and only then because she'd become particularly attuned to his frequency.

She'd know that soothing monotone with it's high pitched indignation anywhere.

She turned her head to face him over the scarred wooden table they'd managed to score, tucked away in the corner of the room.

Somehow when they'd first walked in Penny had felt like she'd stepped back into the Old West; the venetian shutters swinging wildly in their wake. The level of conversation had dropped, as did her stomach when she saw the unwashed miscreants, not one of whom possessed a full set of teeth.

The decorator seemed to have been given the theme of 'dark' and possibly even 'dank', but definitely low budget, and he'd run with that (run, tripped over, and coated the walls with it).

She'd once had a boyfriend whose idea of cleaning was to buy a new rug and hit anything under it with a hammer until it lay flat. A relationship didn't last long when you had to wipe your feet going out of the apartment.

The bar reminded her of that place, her shoes sticking to the floor in places where the carpet didn't squish ominously. Just sliding into the seat was an act of faith. Faith that there were certain things you can't catch by just sitting down.

She'd been waiting for Sheldon to pitch a fit since they walked in but he'd held it together quite nicely whilst they scanned the food on the limited menu (actually on the menu, red smears and brown blobs stuck to the laminated sheet clued them into the days specials.)

He squeaked only slightly when the waitress came over with her pen stuck in her hair. (the germs that the transfer could cause and stray hairs caught in the lid of the pen possibly falling onto his plate. Sheldon can go a very Tolkien-esque shade of green). The waitress merely blinked as he launched into a diatribe on hygiene that ended with her looking very annoyed and Penny attempting to smooth things over with a smile and a under table kick.

Actually, compared to usual Sheldon behavior, Penny was almost impressed by the way he was coping until he remarked on a stain and the waitress spat on a napkin to wipe down their table.

That, it seemed, was the last straw and Penny shooed her away as he babbled incoherently.

"Penny?" his voice quavered. "She... with her..."

"I know, sweetie." She looked over the table to see his long fingers cutting little half-moons into his palms as his hands clenched and unclenched. Without thinking she reached over and placed her hand gently on his.

He jumped skittishly but turned his fingers to grip hers tightly.

"Tuesday night is hamburger night. It has always been hamburger night, Penny, this isn't the Cheesecake factory. It's not Big Boy. It's not even Wendy's or McDonalds."

Penny patted his hands again, fully sympathetic. He was doing his best, but there's being thrown out of your routine... and there's being thrown out of your universe.

"I'm not sure fast food restaurants made it this far into the future. Although I am surprised this isn't a Starbucks." She smiled. "I always figured they'd take over the galaxy."

She waited for him to roll his eyes and tell her why that was impossible but he stared fixedly at their entwined fingers like they held the answers to the universe.

"Sheldon?"

He said nothing.

Penny glanced over at the bar wishing that she could tell them to forget their food and just order three bottles of whatever they had that was cheap and strong. But this possibly wasn't the sort of place that would welcome drunken Sheldon and his show tunes, or the sort of place it was safe for her to get plastered. Not that it would be much safer to eat the food, but she was starving.

"Okay, so this isn't your unusual routine, but honey, you gotta give me some room here. We're in the future; don't you have like emergency back up plans or something. I mean you have a bag packed in case of zombie invasion. You must have a laminated thingy for in case we get catapulted through time and space."

"I always assumed that if this ever happened we'd at least have the TARDIS, if not the sonic screwdriver."

The return to geek was more than welcome. "Huh, how exactly would a sonic thingy be of any help here?" She poked hoping to get a reaction.

"It would be attached to the Doctor, and therefore a way to get home." His tone was a mixture of desperation and dejection and it annoyed her as much as filled her with empathy.

"Oh, snap out of it, Spock."

He looked up, startled.

"You're s'posed to be all logical, right? We are in the future, just think of all you could learn. I mean, hell. Space ships, Sheldon, this is like your dream come true and your looking like they canceled Dollhouse... again. Would Spock be moping or would be gathering as much information as humanly possible?"

Sheldon shifted slightly in his seat, his face alternating between impressed and curious, before finally settling on superior- his default setting. "Saying 'Humanly possible' is a misnomer as Spock was only half-human."

"Yeah, but half-humanly possible on his mothers side doesn't have the same sort of ring to it, does it?"

He gave her a half smile and nodded. "I suppose you're right, Penny. The disruption to my schedule could be overlooked were I to uncover some valuable insights into the future of the human race. It seems I succumbed to a Leonard-esque style of pessimism. It won't happen again."

"Good," Penny pointed at him mock threateningly, "Because I'm here with Dr. Sheldon Cooper,not Leonard and I expect you to act like it, okay?"

"Agreed."

"Besides," her eyes shone, "this could be fun. We could get a list of all the lottery numbers ever or race winners. Football results, we could clean up!"

He looked at her aghast. "Penny, Penny, Penny, did you learn nothing from Back to The Future? Or Doctor Who marathons? Attempting to circumvent the future and profit materially and, lets face it, dishonestly, never ends well. At best the protagonists end up altering your own personal destiny and forming an unhealthy relationship with a descendant and, at worst, you risk changing the future of mankind and getting people eaten by Reapers."

His voice rose in pitch and volume by the end of his rant and it made people around look at them oddly.

"Okay, sheesh, calm down. I just meant that we could find stuff out. Don't you want to know when you're gonna win the Nobel Prize?"

Sheldon shook his head. "You know how I feel about spoilers."

Boy did she. Howard very nearly got a lifetime ban by accidentally bringing in SFX without removing the spoiler pages and, after her little mishap with the ending of Star Trek, Penny had to sing Soft Kitty for an hour straight before Sheldon stopped crying.

The waitress arrived with their food and almost threw it down in front of them, anger and frustration written all over her face. Both plates looked like they'd seen better days and the food was hardly much better.

"I'm supposed to eat this?" he squeaked.

The waitress's face reddened and she glared. "What's wrong with it?"

Sheldon took a deep breath. "I'm not sure where to start. The color, the texture, the fact that it in no way resembles food... or indeed has any resemblance to anything that ever lived, at least not healthily or for very long. In fact I think--"

"It's fine," Penny cut him off, hoping that the waitress wasn't about to burst into tears. Fellow feeling swamped her. "Sorry, it's been a long day."

The woman clenched her jaw and walked away leaving Sheldon staring in disbelief at his plate.

Penny could almost see Sheldon's brain rebel so she tried to distract him.

"Okay, Sheldon, no spoilers." She grabbed her fork and gamely stabbed a hunk of possibly once was meat. "But that means that if we discover Star Trek 13, Nimoy's final movie, we're not to watch it, right? Or if they finally made a Green Lantern movie we can't see it."

Sheldon's head snapped up so fast she's surprised he didn't have whip lash. "We can't?"

She shook her head and steeled herself as he gave her those puppy dog eyes. "No spoilers, sweetie. Your rules."

He was so distracted by the thought of possibly missing all these great new sci-fi movies that he started to eat without really looking at his food and Penny grinned. Sometimes it was really easy to play with Sheldon.

She managed to keep him thinking about anything but the origin of his food until he slipped the last morsel of goodness knows what into his mouth and put down his fork. The clink of metal against china made him start and he registered that his plate was empty.

He looked up at her gratefully, knowing full well what she'd just done and why.

Before he could say anything, however, the table was thrown into sudden gloom by a towering neanderthal in dark brown rags staring at Penny.

"Hey, you got something ta say about my establishment you say it ta me, dong ma?"

Sheldon blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Alee said you been bitching about the joint."

Sheldon twisted to look helplessly at Penny.

"Uh, I think you upset the waitress." She hazarded a guess. "This is the owner?"

"Yeah," he folded arms across his chest, hands balled into fists. "You got a problem?"

Please shut up, please shut up, Penny prayed but no one was listening.

"Actually yes," Sheldon sat up, "the cleanliness of this establishment leaves much to be desired, in fact I would, were I still in my own linear time, be submitting a call to the health board. The waitress spat on an used tissue in order to clean a stain which shouldn't have been there in the first place. That kind of flagrant disregard for the transmission of bacterial infection is just the beginning. The food was sub-par, the ambiance plainly dismal and the service beyond the pale. How you manage to function as a place for foodstuffs is a mystery, I only assume that standards have become lamentably lax in the future."

The end of his diatribe was met with an eerie silence from the whole room. The owner of the tavern stared unblinkingly at him, tension etched into his face and his massive biceps straining.

"What?"

Sheldon sighed and Penny winced.

"Sheldon, honey, let it go."

"No, Penny, I won't," Sheldon folded his hands, "the man asked for my opinion on his establishment and I am willing to give him the constructive criticism needed."

"I don't think he did," she protested, seeing a few other patrons stand and come over to back the man up. "Let's just go."

"No." Sheldon turned back to the inn-keeper. "Obviously my choice of vocabulary was too advanced I shall attempt to 'dumb down'. The inn is filthy, the food was appalling and the waitress was awful."

Penny groaned. "We're gonna die."

"Nonsense, I think this gentleman appreciates my candor."

"Not so much," the inn-keeper reached down and grabbed Sheldon's t-shirt, hauling him to his feet. "I think this wang ba dan duh biao-tze needs a lesson in manners."

Sheldon proved again that his mouth wasn't attached to his brain as his eyebrows shot up. "From you?"

Penny shot to her feet as the owner pulled back his fist. "Wait, please, don't hit him!" She reached over and touched the man on the arm. "He didn't mean to cause offense, he's kinda...uh, not all there."

Sheldon's face registered hurt as he craned his neck to glare balefully at her. "Penny, I have an IQ in advance of 187, I am more than all there."

Penny inched closer to him and hissed. "Sheldon this isn't California, okay, I have no idea what the law is here. I haven't seen a single cop. In California they'll get arrested for beating you to death, here I don't even know if that's an option!"

That slowly dawned on Sheldon and his face became a mask of horror as he realized that he may be losing far more than his pants here. "Oh!"

"What's a sweet little thing doing with this ass anyway?" one of the two goons asked eyeing her up. "You a hooker?"

"What?" Penny's eyes shot open. "Oh, you did not just ask that!"

Sheldon tried to straighten, but it was difficult with someone's fist wrapped in your t-shirt against your throat. He glared at the outspoken goon. "Penny is not a prostitute! She sleeps with men for fun, not money."

Penny wasn't sure who to be more angry with. "Sheldon!"

The three men exchanged amused glances but soon turned back to the panicking couple.

The other man shrugged. "It don't matter none, anyhow. When we're through with you she can sleep with us all. It'll be fun."

Penny swallowed and stepped back shrinking away from the rapacious gazes of the thugs.

The inn-keeper grinned showing his missing teeth and hauled back his arm ready to slam it into Sheldon's face.

As it plummeted forward Sheldon braced himself for impact.

It never came.

About an inch from his face a meaty fist had caught the inn-keeper's hand in a vice-like grip.

Sheldon followed it up a brawny arm, a strong set of shoulders, and an imposing clavicle, to an impressively granite face and eyes as blue as his own.

The man cocked his head, and a low drawl spilled from his lips. "Are you Doctor Cooper?"

Sheldon licked his lower lip and thought for a second. "Do you want to hit me?"

"Not yet."

"Then yes, I'm Doctor Cooper."

"Shiny," a broad grin swept over the man's face and he brought his other arm up to slam a fist in the inn-keeper's face.

As the inn-keeper's grip faltered Sheldon stumbled back against the table, his hands flailing as he tried not to make contact with the filthy surface.

His savior, however, seemed to have no problem with getting his hands dirty.

His fists were deadly weapons as he rammed them into the jaw of the man who'd called Penny's virtue into question, knocking his head back with an ominous crack.

The third thug reached over and tried to restrain his hands but their friend was quick despite his size and dodged, spinning and slamming his shoulder into the man's gut. The thug retched as his attacker's shoulder caught his stomach and he doubled over, allowing the newcomer to plant one meaty hand on his back and use him as a board to leap over and kick the inn-keeper in the face.

The inn-keeper fell into a table sending plates and cups flying, the table itself cracking under his weight. The two halves of the table split and the inn-keeper dropped like a stone.

With one man down and the other still revisiting his lunch the mouthy thug gave their new-found friend a worried look, spat a mouthful of blood onto the floor and then gamely put his fists up.

Penny stepped forward on one foot and kicked him straight between the legs.

He crumpled to his knees, hands tucked between his legs, whimpering.

"Jack ass!" Penny snarled, "I'm not a hooker!"

The newcomer whistled under his breath, "Shame." Then he turned to Sheldon. "Badger said you'd be wanting a ride to Osiris, only Mal ain't gonna wait fer ever, if your comin' best be getting."

Sheldon frowned. "But we haven't paid for our food."

Penny rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand. "He was gonna kick your ass, Sheldon. Besides, the service was crap."

Tugging his protesting form she followed the big hulking brute out into the sun.


	6. Chapter 6

Jayne smiled to himself as he heard the prissy doc behind him squeak yet again. It hadn't been a surprise to walk into the Tudeck and see their latest cargo about to be torn to shreds by the owner.

Jayne figured it had something to do with being a doctor. Every single one he'd ever met had the unique ability to make you want to punch them just by saying "hi".

In fact Simon just had to be in the same room and Jayne wanted to slap him, although since Miranda that had faded a little bit.

Doc proved himself ready to stand up and fight, even if he still wasn't sure which way round the gun went.

This new doctor seemed to be even worse, nervous and twitchy and full of them fancy high faluting words that made Jayne feel all manner of dumb. The girl, however, now she was a surprise. He'd expected someone maybe a little prissier herself, glasses and a lab coat done up to the neck. A pretty blonde with bright eyes and a killer kick hadn't even made his top ten. How the doc had scored a sweet little piece like that was anyone's guess... unless she was a companion.

Jayne peered back over his shoulder to where the girl was leaning in, listening to the doc talk. Something, Jayne was beginning to realize, that he did a lot. Every now and again the man gave Jayne furtive glances and so it wasn't hard to decipher what the topic of conversation was.

Jayne eavesdropped.

"-no idea who he really is or what he does and, lets face it, Penny, he hardly looks the most reputable of persons."

"He stopped you getting handed your ass by a bunch of thugs, sweetie, I think he gets props for that."

"First of all, Penny you seem to have mentioned that part of my anatomy no less than three times in the past ten minutes leading me to believe that you have become fixated. Secondly just because he hasn't hit me yet doesn't mean that it isn't in his long term agenda."

She sighed, "If it isn't now, it will be soon. Hell its always on my agenda."

"What?"

"Nothing. We don't exactly have much of a choice here, do we?"

"Regrettably I have calculated our chances of navigating this world by ourselves and they are slim with regards to success. We must accept his help but this still has a potential to be hazardous as we have no idea of the dangers."

"So we stick with this guy and take the ride to Osiris and hope that he's not selling us into slavery or anything."

The doctor paused, a stricken look on his face. "I hadn't thought of that."

"What were you worried about then?"

"His levels of cleanliness and nutrition aboard ship."

The blonde growled. "So I was thinking bondage whilst you were thinking bleach."

"Apparently."

She gave a little scream and hurried to catch up. "Uh, excuse me, hey!"

Jayne turned. "Yeah?"

She gave him her best smile. "My mom always told me never to get into a car with strangers, I'm guessing that goes double for space ships. You got a name?"

His eyes narrowed. "Jayne Cobb."

Her brows rose questioningly. "Jayne?"

"Yeah." His jaw tightened. This was where both she and the prissy doc started laughing about the name his ma gave him. This was also where the doc might get shot.

"Well, I'm Penny and this is Sheldon."

Jayne smirked. "Sheldon?"

The doctor just nodded. "Yes."

"I thought 'Jayne' was bad," Jayne shook his head in fellow feeling. "I bet you got beat up some as a kid."

"Yes," Sheldon said without hesitation, "but not for my name."

With a loud guffaw Jayne reached over and slammed a hand on his shoulder. Sheldon's knees almost buckled under the weight of him.

"Well, Sheldon," Jayne's lips twitched, "yer alright. But we best be makin' tracks if we're gonna take off any time soon."

Sheldon cleared his throat. "If you don't mind my asking, Mr. Cobb. Where are we going?"

Jayne just grinned. "You'll see."

"This is a space ship?" Penny stared in disbelief up at the Firefly.

Sheldon eyed the rusted hull and the odd splashes of red that he was not going to look at too carefully but resembled the insides of his uncle's old hunting truck. He let his eyes dance over the battered metal and the burnt sections and oh good lord was that duct tape?

"This thing goes into space?"

Jayne nodded. "Yep."

"Are you sure?" Sheldon suddenly decided that he loved the ground; that space travel was vastly overrated and the future wasn't that bad. He could stay here. Bus tables with Penny. It wasn't a bad life.

"She'll fool ya," Jayne stared at the ship. "Gotta admit, I wasn't sure this pile of go se would ever make it into atmo but she's a damn good ship. Best there is."

There was more than pride in his voice, something that made Penny look askance at him.

"Jayne? Cap says we gotta go, did you find out... oh."

A chirpy brunette with grease on her face came around the corner rubbing her hands on an old cloth.

"Well, hi there!"

There was something about her, something sweet and soft, despite the hammer in her belt and the filthy overalls that made Penny warm to her immediately.

"Hello," Penny smiled widely.

Sheldon gave the girl a quick glance. "Hello."

She smiled at him. "Hello."

"Hello."

Penny rolled her eyes. "I've done this before, it could go on a while. I'm Penny." She reached forwards to shake the girl's hand.

"Kaylee." Kaylee tucked the rag into a pocket on her overalls and grabbed Penny's with a smile that got impossibly wider. She turned to Sheldon, her hand outstretched. "And you are?"

Sheldon looked down at it in horror. Kaylee's smile dimmed a little.

Penny, sensing disaster, grabbed Kaylee's sleeve. "Sorry, this is Sheldon, he's kind of a germophobe. It took him three months to allow me to touch his hand, and only after he'd supervised me washing 'em." She rolled her eyes. "Men!"

Kaylee brightened as she returned her hand to her side. "Gotcha. Guess I am kinda messy. I was just workin' on the engine coil when the Cap hollered for me to keep a look out. He's eager to get going. The Cap don't like being dirtside for too long. Anyways, it's good ta meetcha Sheldon."

"Sheldon here's a doctor," Jayne offered.

Kaylee's face, already bright, seemed to burst with light. "Like Simon?" Her voice was breathy and excited. "Simon was the youngest ever trauma surgeon in Capital City. He's our ship doctor now." She leaned into Penny conspiratorially, "And my sweetie!"

Penny grinned. "Congratulations. Well, Sheldon's not that kind of doctor."

The two shipmates paused, looked at each other and then back at Penny and Sheldon.

Jayne's expression was dark. "What kind of doctor are ya?"

"JAYNE, KAYLEE!" The shout came from a nearby speaker that made them all jump. "Quit jabbering and close up. I don't wanna be here at nightfall, dong ma? There some downright unsavory folks... who wanna be up in the air. So move."

Jayne hurried up the ramp and onto the ship with Kaylee ushering Sheldon and Penny ahead, a troubled look on her face.

Since hanging around with the guys, Penny had come to terms with the geek within. She'd proclaim her love of online gaming, her affinity for Age of Conan and her love for Halo. She'd grudgingly admit to liking Battlestar and Doctor Who and, if pressed, Star Trek. She'd confess to reading fanfiction and giggling over Manga and anime. But they were all guilty pleasures that she tried to hide.

Unlike Sheldon who was about to wet himself with the excitement of being on a real live space ship. His head craned to and fro as they entered the cargo hold, his eyes flitting from the metal plating and bulky containers to the shuttle doors and the overhead walkways.

Penny could almost see the fanboy joy coming off him in waves as they walked down the metal corridors, listening to the electronic hum that filled the ship.

"Penny, we are on a space ship!" he whispered, his voice high with exhilaration. "A space ship. We are going to get to go further than anyone in our time could ever imagine going. We are pioneers of space travel."

"Uh, huh," Penny grinned at the boyish delight. "It's kind of awesome."

Disbelief reigned as he stared down at her. "Kind of awesome?" He sighed. "Penny, your vocabulary is dismal. I don't think you appreciate the vastness of this experience, the importance, nay the sheer splendor that we are about to see, to experience. This is a journey, literally, of a lifetime."

His enthusiasm made her giggle. "Sorry for bringing you down, sweetie, you're right. This is...uh... epic."

He cocked his head, considering her word. "Epic. That will do."

It was kind of epic.

Penny had never thought that she would get to go into space. In fact until she'd met her guys she'd never given it much thought. Oh, that time her class went to the planetarium she'd wondered what it would be like to see Earth from outer space but it was a flying fancy, melting as soon as Jimmy Rhodes looked her way.

Now she, Penny, was going to be the first twenty-first century girl to go out further than Mars. She beamed up at Sheldon.

"Freaking Epic."


	7. Chapter 7

Mal let River take them off planet before he said a word. Not that his little albatross needed silence to concentrate but it made him feel better.

"So, I didn't get shot," he said with crooked grin.

"Congratulations," River's fingers danced over the controls like she was conducting an orchestra.

"Neither did anyone else."

River glanced over at him, a soft expression on her face. "Procrastination with regards to a conversational gambit does not heighten expectation but rather fuels negative anticipatory feelings."

Mal stared. "Huh?"

"You're making me nervous. What do you want to say?"

"What was all that go se about things changing? Are they changing still?"

River licked her lips and glanced down at the dinosaur manning the navigation beacon. "Things always change. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. The catalyst for change is present. The direction is less certain."

Mal watched her for a long moment. His little witch had a way of making things clear that unnerved him. But it wasn't her fault. Those gorram Alliance Blue Handed hundan's had taken a bright and beautiful young girl and turned her into a fractured assassin. It was beyond monstrous and Mal felt his hands clench into fists, the way they did every time he thought of what she had gone through.

Yet she still smiled and laughed and danced when any other person would be a psychopathic, catatonic mess.

Since he'd met River he'd had reason to marvel over the human spirit. She'd restored a faith in him that he'd thought died in blood-soaked valley.

He reached over and lay his hand on her soft hair, allowing himself the luxury of affection for one minute, allowing his guard to drop infinitesimally.

"Will you be safe darlin'?" he all but whispered. "They ain't after you?"

River's eyes shone as his thoughts infiltrated her mind and lay like a healing bandage on her heart.

"Bàba-" her voice faltered and died, a single tear slid down her face.

Mal reached over and smeared the droplet away with his thumb. "Ain't no cause for tears, darlin'. I'm here and I ain't gonna let no one hurt you ever again, dong ma?"

River nodded, her throat too tight to reply.

He turned on his heel, too overcome and uncomfortable to stay in the room but River heard his final thought as he walked away.

_And I'd be proud to be your daddy._

She put her head down and cried onto the watching brontosaurus.

* * *

Mal wiped at his face before he stepped into the kitchen, allowing River to see his insides was one thing- was no call to be letting the crew see how soft he'd gone over the feng le girl.

He hooked his fingers into his belt and eyed the new folks on board his boat.

Kaylee and Jayne had brought them to the most heavily trafficked area, knowing that sooner or later Mal would drop by to check them out. This was standard procedure now to keep any 'guests' away from isolated areas of the ship until their intentions could be gleaned.

Mal had had enough of folks hiding away in the guest rooms, calling the feds and otherwise being two faced.

If he had spies or gorram feds on board he wanted to be the first to know about it, instead of waiting until some hundan had a gun in his face.

Again.

He leaned against the door jamb and raked his eyes over the two new faces.

The doctor was not at all what he had expected. Maybe because he was so used to Simon, Mal expected all doctors to be short, immaculate and stuffy. This guy looked like a teenager had decided to pay dress up for the day. His t-shirt had a weird cartoon character on it, his pants were cord and possibly cost more than Serenity and his shoes were just plain odd. He was tall, gangly and seemed all elbows and knees as he leaned over to inspect the compression coil Kaylee was still tinkering with.

He turned his head to speak to the other one and Mal got a shock as she turned around. Badger had said that she was a looker but Badger's taste was negligible (his fascination with River notwithstanding). She was stunning and Mal had spent enough time around Companions and whores to know what he was talking about.

With gleaming sun-kissed hair and a soft look of exasperation she went beyond cute and into truly beautiful. Mal sighed, if only he was ten years younger. Of course that never seemed to stop Jayne.  
Mal's gaze flitted to the merc, expecting him to be drooling over their guest.

To Mal's surprise, Jayne was looking at him.

"Hey Cap, has Crazy got us all set on course?"

Mal raised an eyebrow as everyone turned to him. "Yes she has and no she ain't."

Jayne frowned. "Huh?"

"She ain't Crazy," Mal waited a beat, "leastways any more'n you or me."

"Well then," Jayne shrugged, ignoring the bite in Mal's tone. "This is Penny and this here's the doc. Sheldon."

Mal had been about to greet Penny warmly when Jayne introduced the doc. His head whipped round.

"Sheldon? Seriously?"

The tall gangly man nodded. "Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

Mal mouthed at Jayne. "_Sheldon_?"

Jayne bit back a grin.

"So," Mal drawled, "_Sheldon,_ Penny. Welcome to Serenity. I'm Captain Malcolm Reynolds. Badger said you were wanting to go to Osiris. Well it's not too far, mayhap we'll be there inside a week."

"A week?" Penny squeaked, her eyes widening at Mal's words.

"That a problem?"

Penny shrunk under his gaze. "No, I guess not."

She looked unsure even as Sheldon inched closer. "Penny?"

"It's fine, a week. Fine." She worried her lower lip between her teeth and gave Kaylee a hesitant smile.

"The juxtaposition between your tone and the way you are gnawing your lower lip implies otherwise."

"Leave it," she insisted and turned back to the Captain. "A week, ought to be fun."

"The cockpit and cargo hold are usually out of bounds since we're usually carrying cargo. Just so happens our hold is empty but that don't mean for you to be poking around. Turbulence knocks us, things shift and we can be picking pieces of ya up for days."

Jayne had been in the kitchen, opening cupboards and taking things out seemingly at random but at Mal's words he turned. "Hey! I put all that stuff away right and tight, even balanced it. If it falls t'weren't me."

Mal rolled his eyes. "Yeah."

Sensing that they were going to fight Kaylee jumped in again. "Where is your stuff?"

Penny didn't even look at Sheldon, she just launched into the ready made excuse that Badger had handed her. Kaylee looked suitably stricken.

"Oh, you poor thing. Those space cowboys can be real shee niou uh muo." She shook her head. "Well I got some spare stuff that you can use, Penny. And I think Inara left some of her stuff behind which might fit."

They all ignored the small intake of breath from the Captain at that.

"Or Zoe's outgrown some stuff on account of the baby. And uh, well," Kaylee frowned at Sheldon. "Simon's kinda shorter than you."

"Doc's kinda shorter than everyone," Jayne muttered. Kaylee glared at his back and then flashed a smile at Sheldon.

"Maybe Jayne's got something for you."

Sheldon gave a horror stricken look at the mercenary's cargo pants and t-shirt.

Wear someone else's clothes? He shuddered.

Penny could almost see the cogs whirring as he headed for Sheldon Cooper rant of epic proportions.

There was no way that Dr Sheldon Cooper Phd would wear someone else's things. He'd rather go nude.

Penny shook that thought away quickly. "Don't worry, sweetie, we'll sort something out." Something occurred to her. "So, are there, like, beds and stuff on board?"

"Ain't you ever been on a ship before?" Jayne asked, somewhat incredulously.

Penny and Sheldon both shook their heads.

"Well now, that ain't nothing." Kaylee piped up, "Until the Cap picked me up, I'd never been on one neither. It's fine. You couldn'ta picked a better ship to try out, though. Serenity is the best ship in the whole 'verse."

"In your unbiased opinion," Sheldon said, one eyebrow raised.

"Oh we're plenty biased," Mal's tone was sharp. "Don't mean we ain't right."

Penny put her hand on Sheldon's arm as he opened his mouth. She shook her head at him. Sheldon shut up.

There was a moment of awkward silence and then Kaylee seemed to bounce back.

"Well, how about I show you to your rooms and ya'll can get settled before dinner?"

After a mini heart attack from Sheldon and a hurried explanation from Penny they were eventually settled in separate rooms across the corridor from each other. Perhaps Sheldon hadn't needed to complain so vociferously about no one being allowed in his bedroom, but Kaylee had taken it in her stride.

In fact, little Kaylee seemed to take everything in her stride. Penny had once been told that she was a ray of Sunshine; she was a cloudy March in England compared to Kaylee who just seemed to emit joy and cheeriness with every breath. It was a little exhausting.

But she was true to her word and showed them to their rooms.

The 'rooms' were little more than cubicles tucked into the sides of the ship. All they contained were a bed, a very small desk and a 'bathroom' that pulled out of one wall.

According to Kaylee they all shared a shower and Penny was not looking forward to telling Sheldon that; he'd been bouncing on his bed checking for tensile strength or something at the time.

After examining the standards of cleanliness in his room and deciding that he required some rather heavy duty cleaning goods to feel even remotely safe in there Sheldon had come in and sat on Penny's bed.

He gave her his best interrogation look, something he had been practicing for some time.

"Now perhaps you can inform me as to the real reason for your perturbation earlier."

"I told you, it's nothing."

He expression was one of blatant disbelief. "Penny."

"A week!" Penny rounded on him. "Sheldon, maybe you have a million sick days saved or flexi options or whatever but Ihave to work. You don't show up, whatever they'll wait cause you're a brainiac genius guy. Me? If I miss a shift, okay, I am totally replaceable. I need that job, Sheldon. I can't afford to get canned." Tears welled up. "I haven't even had a audition in months, the Cheesecake factory is what's feeding me now. I can't go back to Nebraska, Sheldon, I can't!"

Petrified at her outburst Sheldon edged away slightly. Only to reach his hand over hesitantly and pat her twice on the back.

"There there."

Penny's laugh was a cross between a sob and a hiccup. But it made her smile and Sheldon's heart eased as the tears dried up.

"Sorry, sweetie, this has just been a really weird day and we're stuck here for at least a week, maybe longer since we have no idea how to get home."

"Actually, Penny," Sheldon said smugly, "I have been giving our current predicament some thought and believe I have uncovered a plan of some sort to get us back home."

"Really?" Her eyes shone.

"I," he beamed, "am going to build another time machine."

The grin dropped off her face. "That's not a plan," she said icily, "that's a notion and rather sucky one at that."

Sheldon did a double take as she quoted his own words back to him. "Penny!" he admonished.

"Seriously," she sneered, "you're just gonna up and build a brand new time machine? From what? My shirt and your pants? Let me break this down for you. We have no money, no lab, no parts. We're stuck in outer space for at least a week holding onto the fact that the watch Leonard bought me is gonna be worth more than twenty dollars."

He stiffened. "I am trying, Penny."

She sagged. "I know, honey, but one of us needs to be realistic here. Do you even know how to make a time machine? Didn't you mail order the other one?"

"Yes, but I have an eidetic memory, Penny and an unmeasurable IQ. Added into that equation the fact that we are currently in the future which must have far more advanced technology, I believe I can successfully construct a time machine."

Penny licked her lips and sat by his side. "Really?"

"Yes." Sheldon took a deep breath. "I'll begin by constructing a schematic detailing whatever I recall about the machine that got us into this mess. Then when we are on Osiris and we have sold your watch, we can use some of the money to purchase raw materials with which to build the new machine. I'll construct it and we can then go home. If we manage to time it just right we could even, theoretically, arrive back just as we have left causing you to miss no time at all."

Penny nodded slowly, "And if the watch isn't worth that much?"

He sat up straighter. "Then I will attempt to gain employment. It shouldn't be too hard for me to get a job. You too, could find gainful employment, after all we already know that there is a desperate need for competent waitresses."

That was as close to a compliment as she was going to get.

She softened. "Aww, competent? Thanks, sweetie."

His face turned pink and he looked away.

Penny patted his arm. "Hey, you know Kaylee said she was the ships engineer, you could hang out with her this week and maybe she could tell you about machines of the future. At the very least you'd be able to watch and pick stuff up."

He gazed at her with frank approval. "Well done, Penny, you know I am more and more pleased that it is with you that I have been stranded rather than Leonard or Koothrappali."

She leaned over and nudged him with her arm. "Me too, Sheldon."

Sheldon examined his nails, a ridiculously pleased grin on his face.

She looked at their surroundings with an odd grin. "This is pretty whack though, right? I mean, future, space ships. I feel like I'm Alice falling down the rabbit hole." She eyed him. "You're definitely the Mad Hatter."

"Really? I always felt more akin to the White rabbit, in a state of worry about tardiness and a preoccupation with gloves."

Penny grinned. "Well if we don't hustle, we'll be 'late' for dinner."

Sheldon followed her out of her room his shoulders slumped. "I suppose it's too much to hope for that they're serving Tangerine chicken tonight."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Mal couldn't quite figure out where he'd seen Dr. Sheldon Cooper before but he'd swear that there was something so familiar about the guy.

It wasn't his lanky frame or the terrified way he looked at the plate and cutlery, like they'd leap out and stab him all by their lonesome. It wasn't the way he seemed to edge closer to Penny either, but whatever it was it was driving him crazy.

He tuned back in to what Sheldon was saying.

"- the slant perpendicular to the aforementioned 'bed' is off by more than several degrees so I presume that I will also suffer some sort of cranial injury during my time here."

Penny sighed. "Well, _my_ room is fine, thanks for asking, Kaylee. Ignore Dr. Whack-a-doodle here. He just likes to complain."

"Now that is just not true," Sheldon looked affronted, "besides, she asked how I found my accommodation. I was being truthful."

"Sweetie, it was your being truthful that nearly got us killed. There is a difference between honesty and rudeness." She patted his hand. "I swear to god, one day I'm gonna teach you the difference."

"You saying there's something wrong with my boat?" Mal raised an eyebrow at the stuffy man and all but dared him to continue. It was a stare he'd worked on for years, it had stopped Bounty hunters and Alliance gunmen alike. It was to strike fear, to inhibit rational thought, it-

"Yes, but I have been informed that to numerate the various deficiencies of your command is rude and so, therefore, I will refrain."

– so wasn't working.

"Obliged," Mal gritted his teeth.

Sheldon gave Penny a glance asking if she was pleased with his self-control. She rolled her eyes.

She was also prevented from apologizing to the Captain by the arrival of the rest of the crew, each of who sank down into their chairs, giving their guests a cursory glance.

Kaylee was quick to make introductions. "Y'all already met Jayne. This is Zoe, River and my sweetie Simon." With delight and obvious affection Kaylee planted a kiss on the man's cheek.

He flushed bright red and shifted his shoulders uncomfortably.

Penny grinned at the awkward way he was pleased and yet so uncomfortable by the casual affection.

He reminded her a little of Leonard; not in looks. No, this guy was seriously cute with a well defined muscles and piercing eyes. He was pristine, even in his brown pants and white button down shirt with threadbare waistcoat. Penny could imagine him in a business meeting or reading the financial papers, he seemed...elegant.

But in the way he seemed so unsure with Kaylee's open adoration he reminded her of her ex. Leonard had been like that, so desperate for human interaction and yet ill at ease with any overt display.

He patted her on the back and gave her a smile which raised him from seriously cute to downright sexy.

One thing was for certain, from Simon's pristine handsomeness, Jayne's rugged charm and the Captain's masculine charm Penny was in no way mocking the scenery.

She peered over at the two women she hadn't met yet.

Zoe appeared to be the tall, Amazonian pregnant warrior. She called to mind the days when women went out in the fields with a bow and arrow, squatted to have a child and then picked it up and carried on. Strong. Fierce. Freaking scary.

Penny wasn't used to be intimidated by women but she knew right away to stay on Zoe's good side. She shot her a weak smile and moved on only to find herself the subject of intense scrutiny by the other one- River.

A girl just blooming into a woman with big doe eyes and long tangled hair dressed in lycra shorts and a mini dress. River could have been just another teenager but for that expression of knowledge and intensity written on her face. Penny swallowed; if she'd thought Zoe was scary there was something about this young woman that screamed at all of Penny's sensibilities to stay away, back away and don't look her in the eye.

It was something similar as what she's encountered one year whilst hunting with her grandfather. They'd come across a rabid dog, foam sliding down it's jaw, it's eyes hot on them both. It's fur was matted in places and a sense of lingering menace just seeped though the air as it eyed them. Penny felt it in her stomach, felt that unease and feeling that something just wasn't right. Grandpa had pulled her slowly away, keeping his hand over her mouth and the other on his gun. He told her that the dog was wild, beaten and badly treated until it turned on them that hurt it and and made it run inside its own mind. Now it was alone too long away from civilization and had run mad, hungry for flesh and had to be taken care of else it hurt someone.

Later he'd gone out with his shotgun, leaving Penny behind.

She got that feeling watching River; the feeling that there was something not quite right about the girl and it would be safer to stay away.

She dropped her gaze to her plate, not seeing the girl flinch and hide behind her hair.

Jayne placed the platters down on the table and everyone reached over to help themselves.

Sheldon twitched.

"Sharing food," he muttered, his eyes half closed as a muscle jumped in his cheek. "Mixing food groups."

Penny heaved a huge sigh and used her knife and fork to lever some of the gray thing onto his plate, followed by a square of pink thing and yellow thing.

"No one has touched it, sweetie," she mumbled, cheeks flushed as she felt everyone's eyes on them. "Just try it."

"But it's not Thai food," he whined seemingly unable to help himself, "it's not tangerine chicken or pad thai or even souplantation it's... it's... mush."

"It's protein blocks," Mal said stiffly, "sorry if it don't match up to your fancy Core foods but its what us simple folk have out here. An' most of 'em don't even got that. We're lucky."

Penny licked her lip, "Sheldon just has...uh, food issues. He likes his routines and things have kinda gotten away from us. He'll be okay though, right?" She gave him a look that insisted that he be alright or she'd make him miserable.

More miserable than he was right now at any rate. He nodded and clenched his jaw, pushing his food around on his plate.

"So," Penny said brightly, trying to distract from Sheldon's twisted features. "Are you like a cargo ship or something?"

"Something like that," Mal bit into his protein.

"Family business with your wife?" Penny motioned to the heavily pregnant Zoe.

Jayne raucous laughter covered up Mal's choking as his protein lodged in his throat.

"Gah! Tien shioa duh," he slapped his chest, "No, no. Zoe and me ain't...we ain't ever. Ever-"

Zoe cleared her throat and his eyes widened. "Not that I wouldn't. She's a damn fine woman and all but I-"

Simon chuckled."And he calls me a boob."

"Plenty a room in the airlock," Mal grunted, glancing warily over to Zoe.

Zoe gave him a look and turned to Penny. "Mal's my Captain, he ain't my husband. Truth is Wash died a few months ago. He left me a little gift on his way outta the 'verse."

Penny sagged. "Oh god, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

"You didn't," Zoe said firmly and returned to her protein. "It's nice to talk about him on occasion."

"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"I'm hoping for a boy," Zoe inclined her head to the cute doctor at the end of the table. "Doc says he can tell me but I figure Wash woulda wanted it to be a surprise."

Penny smiled at Simon. "You're lucky to have a doctor so close."

"Ain't that the truth," Jayne muttered from down the other end of the table.

Simon did a double take. "That was almost a compliment, Jayne."

"Yeah well, the amount we done get shot, you're a might handy to have about."

"Shot?" Sheldon squeaked. "You get shot a lot?"

"Out here in the black you get pirates, raiders, Reavers, getting shot is kinda occupational hazard," Mal grinned at the unease on Sheldon's face. "Why, you squeamish?"

Sheldon narrowed his eyes. "Hardly. Although the idea of a projectile advancing toward my person is not inclined to fill me with any sort of pleasure."

"The projectile range of 500 meters per second is not long enough for human sense to develop somesthesia. Any feeling would have to be a bi-product of precognition."

Sheldon glanced up at the long haired girl, feeling his lips twitch. "I was referring to the developing sensation that comes from expectation rather than any logistical approach. One would perceive the gun, infer the logical outcome of being shot and that would heighten the emotion."

Penny gaped. "Huh?"

He rolled his eyes. "Fear of the gun, not the bullet."

Mal looked between River and Sheldon. "You understood that?"

"Of course," Sheldon nodded at River. "It was a well developed point. If a little basic."

Simon's jaw hung low. "Basic?"

"Well, River," Sheldon looked to see if he had got the name right, the girl nodded, "specified a speed of 500 meters per second as the average ratio of velocity when, in fact, it is closer to 300 depending on gauge, range and model or firearm. Of course everyone knows that speeds fluctuate and depend upon several factors. For instance the projectile's size, shape, and the air density affect the speed by which it travels. Air resistance slows the speed of a bullet and reduces the distance by which it travels. The velocity of a bullet fluctuates depending on the gun and model of bullet. The 0.22 rimfire cartridge, which has a very small powder charge can alternate between 370 m/s and 460. Cartridges are much faster. The 0.220 Swift is the cartridge with the highest velocity at an astounding 1220 m/s. Shotgun pellets vary very little, however, the slowest speed at 335 m/s, while the fastest travel at close to 427 m/s."

There was silence as everyone stared at Sheldon.

"Huh," Jayne eyed Sheldon with a lot more respect.

"Well, that's creepifying." Mal chewed thoughtfully.

"Ballistic knowledge does not translate to aptitude with the weapon," River cocked her head, "Numbers dance but the shells fall where they may."

"Quite right," Sheldon smiled at her. "You know it is refreshing to realize that this time frame is not without it's own intellectuals. Everyone we seem to have met so far has been less than-"

"Sheldon!" Penny saw where this was going and slapped his arm. "Remember what we said about being rude?"

He stiffened. "I was complimenting River!"

"I can't believe you understand her," Kaylee shook her head admiringly, "Simon's mei mei's a genius. I love ya, Riv, but half times I have no idea what you say."

"Sheldon's kinda a genius too," Penny admitted, ignoring the way her cheeks flushed as he shot her an indecipherable look. "I never have a clue what he's talking about."

Sheldon and River tilted their heads to the same angle and said "Pfft."

"Holy crap on a cracker," Penny did a double-take. "Now that is creepifying."

"I hear ya," Mal shuddered. "Albatross, can you please stop freaking out your Captain, 'fore I make you do the dishes with your brother."

Sheldon peered from Simon to River. "Oh, he's your brother?"

River nodded.

"Commiserations, I too have a sibling who hasn't quite reached her full potential. My fraternal twin never sought intellectual exercises and works as a hostess at Fuddruckers." He shook his head at Simon. "It's disappointing but not uncommon."

Jayne began to chuckle at Simon's red face.

"Hey!" Simon bristled. "I was the youngest trauma surgeon ever at Capital City."

"Oh, really?" Sheldon's eyebrows rose. "My aunt once gave me a stethoscope so I'd have a trade to fall back on if my chosen career didn't pan out. Lucky for me it did. I had no desire to be up to my elbows in viscera day in day out."

Jayne slapped the table and guffawed loudly, his eyes watering as he bent over.

"How old were you when you graduated?"

Simon swallowed. "Twenty-one," he said with relish.

"Oh," Sheldon smiled slyly. "I was fourteen when I graduated summa cum laude. That means; with highest honors."

"I know what it means!" Simon gritted his teeth, ignoring Jayne's snorts from the other end of the table.

"Good," Sheldon picked up his fork, "since most of the bodies diseases are known by their Latin roots it would be somewhat unnerving for a medical doctor not to have some basic knowledge of the terms."

Zoe's shoulders were shaking as she concentrated on her food. Rivers eyes were gleaming with unshed tears and Jayne had given up all vestige of control and was crying with laughter at the other end of the table.

A broad grin was stuck to Mal's face when something registered. "Uh, hold on. So you ain't a medical doctor?"

"No."

The laughter died.

"But you're _Dr_. Cooper?" Mal was no longer smiling. "Are ya Doc or ain'tcha?"

"I have a masters degree and two PhD's including a doctorate in theoretical physics and philosophy." Sheldon rolled his eyes at the incomprehension. "Yes, I am a doctor. A doctor of science not medicine."

Mal looked worriedly at Zoe, silent communication passing between them in an instant. Penny, ever attuned to those kinds of undercurrents picked up on it straight away.

"Is that a problem?"

"No miss," Mal gave her a smile verging on insincere. "Ain't nothing."

Penny glanced at the warrior woman and decided to let it go for now. There was something here that she just wasn't seeing and it was no use asking Sheldon who was useless when it came to real human behavior.

"May I ask what your profession is aboard this vessel?" Sheldon asked River.

There was an eerie quiet.

"Pilot," Mal interjected quickly. "River, here is our pilot."

"Wow!" Penny grinned. "That's awesome."

"And what do you do, Miss?" Mal was eager to get the conversation off his albatross. Any attention was bad attention as far as he was concerned.

Penny opened her mouth and then faltered, staring around the table. Mal was a ship's captain and Zoe was apparently his first mate. Simon was the youngest ever trauma surgeon, Kaylee was a engineer and River, who seemed at least ten years younger than Penny, was a pilot.

In the same way she felt when the guys started geeking out over their jobs, Penny suddenly felt like the dumbest person in the room.

She flushed and swallowed hard, trying to hold onto that bright smile. "I...I..."

"Penny is an aspiring actress," Sheldon said, shooting her a strange look, "but she also works as a waitress at the Cheesecake factory and makes artificial adornments for hair in her spare time."

Three ways to say unsuccessful. Penny inwardly winced.

Kaylee beamed. "That's great. I only ever saw one play once back home. Didn't have a clue what was going on but it gave me chills. All those pretty girls wearing pretty clothes." She eyed Penny's outfit and sighed. "You sure look the part."

Penny gave her a grateful smile. "It's not like being an engineer or a pilot though."

"Ain't nothin' to it," Kaylee shrugged, "Machine's got workin's, just talk to me is all."

"Speaking on that," Mal interrupted, "you got the engine fixed in case we need to go full burn?"

"Just needs a little tweak, Cap," she put down her fork, "I'll be done in twenty minutes, tops."

"Good, I'm expecting this ride to go smoothly but in case it don't go according to plan," he gave them a sardonic look, "I wanna be ready to run with all hastiness, dong ma?"

As if by unspoken accord everyone got to their feet, leaving Sheldon and Penny staring around in surprise.

"Well," Sheldon said, "I assume that is our call to 'turn in' for the evening."

"I guess," Penny stood and waited for him to join her. "I just got one question."

"Yes?"

"What plan? And why would they need to run if it goes wrong?"

"Penny?"

"Yeah?"

"That's two questions."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Penny?"

For a moment she debated ignoring him, pretending that she couldn't hear him, that she'd fallen asleep. But even if the paper-thin walls disguised the fact that she'd been tossing and turning for the past few hours, Sheldon's Vulcan hearing would have picked up on it.

Besides if she did ignore him, he'd only come over.

"Penny?"

She sighed. "Yeah?"

"I can't sleep."

"Me either, sweetie."

Since waking face down in the sand a million miles and hundreds of years where they started from Penny had been longing to see something familiar, longing for anything to make sense.

In Sheldon's terms she needed her 0,0,0,0.

And here it came:

"Sing soft kitty?"

Unbidden, a huge grin crossed her face. "Homesick?"

"Yes." His voice was the small one that never failed to bring out her protective side. No matter what he'd done, no matter how annoyed she was with him; the second he used that lost little boy voice she'd forgive him anything. It was far more effective than any of the come-hither looks given by Kurt or any of her other boyfriends. It was better than the sweet, shy glances of Leonard.

In fact she'd go as far as to say that it was her Kryptonite. (God, she hung around with them i_way_/i too much).

This was the Sheldon she liked the most. This honest, vulnerable young man who was unsure and sincere. It was times like these that made up for the utter pain in the ass he was the other 90% of the time. These moments of stark humanity overrode the obsessive, paranoid, compulsive nutcase who demanded she not take Euclid and ensure his lettuce was shredded not chopped.

Whack-a-doodle Sheldon was funny, aggravating and too freaking adorable for her own peace of mind.

She preferred her soft Sheldon.

A wicked grin crossed her lips.

"Soft Sheldon, warm Sheldon, little ball of crazy-"

"Penny!" His voice was indignant and much louder.

She burst into giggles. "Sorry, sweetie, couldn't resist."

"That isn't the correct version," he admonished, "The line 'little ball of fur,' has a rhyming couplet with the repetition of 'purr' in the subsequent part. Little ball of crazy does not. In addition to being factually inaccurate since, as I've told you, my mother had me tested."

Penny detected some actual hurt in his tine which made her sit up quickly.

"I was only joking, Sheldon."

There was silence from the other room.

Penny threw her sheets back and clambered out of bed, pushing aside the paper screen door and crossing the cold hallway floor. She pushed aside Sheldon's door and crept in.

"Penny, people can't be in my bedroom!"

"It isn't _your_ bedroom. Now move over." Penny sat on the edge of the bed.

"Penny!"

As expected Sheldon was laying dead straight in the center of the bunk, his long frame completely filling the tiny cot. There was a lost look in his eyes that tugged straight at her heart strings.

"I wasn't mocking you, I was teasing," Penny explained.

"I'm aware." His tone was still cooler than usual and she sighed.

Penny was well aware that Sheldon had trouble with basic social situations. His accelerated learning and education had ensured that he had never had a typical childhood and hadn't learned the usual skills. His friends didn't help either, they either pandered to his eccentric whims or undermined him.

They never took the time to explain why something was wrong or why certain people said one thing but did another.

When the guys teased him, it was with intent to wound. It was one of the things that made her break up with Leonard in the first place.

Penny had taken it upon herself to tutor Sheldon in the ways of the world.

"Sometimes friends, close friends, tease. It's not meant to be mean, it was meant to make you laugh. Kind of a Bazinga but for two people." Penny reached out to stroke his arm but held back. "Friends have in-jokes and little conversations that no one else gets. They also share teasing. Like if you teased me about my hundreds of shoes or-" she sagged, "I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Sheldon."

"All right, Penny," He stared up at her. "You are forgiven. Now get out."

She rolled her eyes. And stuffy Sheldon was back.

"Don't you want me to tuck you in or kiss you goodnight?"

His eyes widened comically.

"Kidding!" Penny grinned and darted off the bed. "Goodnight, sweetie."

_Kiss him goodnight, indeed!_

She wandered back to her room and shut the door, humming soft kitty under her breath, wondering where that odd desire to do exactly that came from.

* * *

Sheldon lay in bed, long after Penny had finally quit throwing herself around on her bed and drifted off to sleep.

The protein thing he had tried to eat was protesting in his insides and he clutched at his stomach, wondering if he was going to need to use that atrocious excuse for a refuse system that _shudder_- came out of the wall. In his bedroom! For once, and not for long, he wished Wolowitz was around. At least the man knew that the proper place for such a system was not affixed to the opposite wall where people slept!

He had always thought that he would love to go to the future; to see what mankind had made of itself. He'd imagined space ships and the end to world hunger and far flung travel to distant galaxies.

He hadn't imagined those spaceships encrusted with grime and rust and people eating gray mush to stay alive.

He hadn't imagined that the local dialect would sound like his brother crossed with a Clint Eastwood movie, nor he had imagined the sheer griminess that coated everything.

He'd hoped the future was bright but so far he was bitterly disappointed and all he wanted to do was go home.

He missed his bed with its Star Wars sheets and hospital corners. He missed his fiber ordered breakfast cereals and his 2% milk. He missed early morning Doctor Who and Pad Thai and lap top. And he missed his spot on the sofa like a physical ache.

The only thing that was keeping him sane was sleeping just across the hall- like always.

Penny.

He hadn't lied when he'd told her he was glad it was her he was stuck with. Leonard, despite being closer, inasmuch as anyone was, to being his intellectual equal, would have been just as lost and out of his depth as Sheldon. It didn't need to be said that Koothrappali and Wolowitz would have been just the same if not worse.

It seemed that charm and social niceties were not, as he had always assumed, evolutionary throwbacks doomed to extinction; but real valid forms of communication and interaction. The future, rather than being straightforward and honest seemed to be full of even more hidden social cues and behavioral patterns. Homo Novus had a lot of learning to do if this were the case.

But luckily, he had someone here who already knew the rules and was prepared to teach him.

The thought of Penny teaching him was startling, until he realized that she was always doing that. That each time she corrected his behavior or explained something she was teaching him. And she did it with kindness and without visual aids.

Even if she did insist on teasing him every chance she got. But at least she didn't mean it to sting, unlike Kripke and others who mocked him.

That thought brought back to mind Penny sitting by his bed offering to tuck him in and kiss him goodnight.

In the darkness his face flushed.

When she'd said that he'd had a mad moment or two when he was torn between horror, embarrassment and a deep curiosity.

What would it be like if Penny leaned over in her borrowed sleep shirt and planted her soft lips on his cheek?

How would he feel?

Would he want her to stop?

Sheldon swallowed hard.

Penny was his friend and friends didn't think of each other like that- at least he didn't think so. Certainly he'd never had thoughts about any of his other friends. He shuddered; an image of Wolowitz leaning up to kiss his cheek causing his stomach to revolt and the gray protein mush to make it's presence felt again.

He rubbed his belly until the urge to use the facilities died away. Pity Penny was asleep, he could use another chorus of soft kitty- the right version this time.

Maybe visualization would help him relax and get him to drop off to sleep.

It was worth a try.

He closed his eyes tight and imagined her sitting on the edge of the bed again, soft and smelling so sweet, leaning over, her voice low and husky and-

His eyes flew open.

This was not good. Not good at all.

He wracked his brains trying to think of something else, anything else. Lasers and protein and ballistics and space ships and teaching and lab coats.

Penny in a lab coat.

Sheldon groaned.

Oh. Good. Lord.

This was going to be a long night.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"Goddam, stupid fushi dui!" Kaylee ground her teeth together as she yanked the wrench tighter.

Normally she'd feel bad for calling Serenity names but right now the damn underpinnings were so rusted through that she was surprised they hadn't fallen outta the sky eons ago. It would be a miracle if they lasted another six weeks and an even bigger miracle if Mal forked out for new ones. "Cheap space trash!" She hissed as she dropped the wrench and hammered at it with the side of her fist.

Immediately Kaylee felt guilty and she reached over and patted the ship.

"Sorry, sweetie. I'm a bad friend. It ain't your fault Simon's being a bèn dàn and I got no right ta take it out on ya. Even if you are being a might ornery." She grinned at the steel and imagined the ship smiling sheepishly back at her. "But like Captain like ship, huh."

She picked up the wrench and sat up, swiping grease all over her nose as she tried to rub away her frustrations.

Last night's dinner hadn't gone as smoothly as she'd hoped with their newfound friends but it wasn't a complete disaster- Jayne hadn't mentioned nothing about gynecology for a start- but it had been tense.

Once it was all done and they were set to hole up for the night Kaylee had gone back to their bunk only to find Simon in a royal snit, murmuring about the new genius Doctor on board ship.

It seemed that Sheldon had got under his skin just fine and no matter what Kaylee did or said, Simon was determined to dislike Sheldon.

"Smug," Simon had said with gritted teeth, "just because he completed his schooling at fourteen doesn't make him a better person, or a better doctor than me. It makes him a freak."

"Simon!" Kaylee had been horrified at this side of Simon. "He didn't mean nothing, he probably wanted to fit in is all, ain't no reason ta be picking on him."

"Picking"? Simon glared- actually glared at her. "He practically called River simple!"

"No, he didn't." Kaylee frowned. "He said her reasonings were simple. Anyhow River didn't seem to mind."

"Oh, so you're defending him now?" Simon shook his head, "I'm going to the infirmary."

And he'd left in a temper and hadn't come back. Kaylee assumed he'd spent the night hanging around the lab or even in the guest quarters where he still stored some of his things.

The fight left her confused and unhappy.

She stared down at her tools, her normal good mood a distant memory.

Out of the top ten things she disliked, fights ranked first. Too many memories of her thirteen million siblings with their hands around each other's throats and screaming matches that lasted days. Two of her brothers, Sam and Drew, somehow managed to share a room and not speak to each other for five weeks. Despite Kaylee's begging them to make up they only reconnected when Athan needed to be taught a lesson. Sunshine Kaylee had sat on the edge of the porch with her fingers in her ears as the three brothers tried their best to beat each other to death. It was only when Leah intervened and called them all out for making Kaylee cry that peace was restored in the Frye household... for about five minutes.

Kaylee hated fighting and she hated even more that it was her and Simon that were doing it and she didn't even know why.

So Simon hadn't got along great with Sheldon. Simon never got along with Jayne and he and the Captain weren't exactly best friends neither. Why had this man infuriated him so much? Was it because he was a doctor and Simon figured he should be the only one? Or was it that Sheldon was so damn smart when Simon was used to being the most intelligent one in the room?

Kaylee poked her toe into a hole in the lower casing of the engine and gave a half-hearted smile.

"Space monkeys been eating at ya, huh?"

"I beg your pardon?"

In her misery she hadn't even noticed the footsteps and the surprise of someone else being there made Kaylee yelp... which caused Sheldon to yelp and back away from her, banging into the far door.

He glanced over his shoulder at the grime encrusted metal and yelped again, yanking himself away and standing in the center of the doorway.

Kaylee stared at him. He'd obviously not gotten much sleep, if those bags under his eyes were any indication and his clothes were rumpled. Kaylee suspected that he'd maybe scrubbed them out in the sink rather than borrowed someone else's things.

He was a strange one alright.

"Hey, Doctor Cooper," she tried for a smile.

He mimicked her strained expression. "Good morning, Kaylee. You may call me Sheldon."

"Shiny," she got to her feet, "what can I do for ya, Sheldon?"

"I—I-" Sheldon trailed off, his eyes darting around the room, seemingly taking in every detail. "I- I-"

Sweat broke out on his forehead and his hands started to shake.

Kaylee leaned forward, reaching out with one hand to steady him. "Hey, are you all right?"

Sheldon was not all right, not anywhere in the vicinity of all right.

In fact if the sofa had been his point 0,0,0,0 he was light years, centuries and galaxies away from being all right. All right? Ludicrous. He'd be shaking his head in derision of he wasn't on the verge of passing out.

He'd been into Wolowitz' lab many times. He'd turned his nose up at the primitive machinery but he'd secretly admired the clear white table tops and the well maintained equipment, the shiny metal and the organized environment.

He'd somehow assumed that the engine room of the ship would be the same, perhaps a few parts laid out on a sheet to be fixed but tidy, orderly and pristine.

It was increasingly obvious, however, that 'pristine' was not in their vocabulary.

He'd ignored the rusty walls and the dirty tiles assuming that space travel made cleaning somewhat difficult, especially if they were concerned with their jobs which made them not fall out of the sky.

He'd even been lenient on the battered state of the outside and the dilapidated furnishings and linens...but this...

Wires slick with grease protruded from every orifice, dragging along the floor, draping the walls, half cut and showing their inner workings, fire hazards each one. Fragments of shrapnel littered the floor all jagged edges and vicious corners waiting for some unsuspecting sap to step on it the wrong way. Oil spills danced rainbow in the overhead light taunting the sure footed and walls sliced open, spilling their innards wires and boards and technology that you weren't supposed to see.

The engine itself held together with bits of tape and (_oh my god was that a spoon?_) old spare parts, nothing matching, nothing _fitting_, nothing safe and secure and this- THIS- was keeping them in the air?

Sheldon paled, the logistics of space travel combining with the probabilities of one of the those haphazard, make-shift fittings failings.

He gasped and gaped, his heart pounding, sweat soaking the back of his shirt.

Then Kaylee, dear, sweet Kaylee reached out a hand.

A hand covered in thick, black grease.

Sheldon fainted.


End file.
